The Gospel of my existence

Like play, like play, 2013 has come and gone (or would soon go). I envisage that everyone would be in the mood of stock-taking, resolution making (that would obviously not be kept) and joyful celebrations as they hope to encroach into 2014. I intended a very serious post to end the year but changed my mind. I getting too serious these days... So, for your 'enjoytainment', I came up with this post. It's not going to leave you in a state of rib cracking laughter but it's something you would enjoy...

This world is not simple...

There are no simple things in this life. Things are simple because we assume them to be. If we take out time to look deeply, just beneath the facade, we would discover that things are just as complicated as the other complicated models we’ve rejected. Nothing is simple; even black and white, the most natural colours are not so natural if we look deeply. If we look closely, we would discover that the natural colour we call black is made up of a host of other colours, blended together in complex unity. We know this but we are afraid of the complexness of the complexities. We just want to get things over with even when we know there’s more.

Nostalgia - My most embarrassing moment...

If you make enquiries from a lot of people as to their most embarrassing moment, they would likely share somewhat similar stories. For most guys, their most embarrassing moment would likely be when a girl turned them down in public. I strongly believe (even without research),that this is applicable to 60% of Nigerian guys.  Although I do not think it should be embarrassing, a lot of guys seem to feel it is. For me, getting turned down by a girl is perfectly normal even if it was in a stadium and attracted a lot of attention. I, however, cannot actually say how painful or embarrassing it is cos no lady has been bold enough to turn me down, even in private.  However, before you applaud my record, it would be good for you to know that since I was born, I have never wooed any lady, It has always been the other way round, hence the record. It is even getting to the stage that fellow guys are now coming after me. If you think I’m lying, read about my encounter with a gay here.

I am not a Jealous Lover... Part 2

You can read part one here

The second stage or type of jealousy associated with my love personality is termed ‘jealousy of the second order’ which in biological terms is called ‘jealousy de orden segundo’. Jealousy of the second order is not as intense as ‘jealousy de prima orden’ but it is very aggressive. It is usually, but not always, purposefully aroused by the jealousee. The jealousee in question this time is already mine, unlike in jealousy of the first order. Jealousy de orden segundo may also be aroused by a foolish cheating jealousee… Hmmm…

My First Day At Work...

My first day at work was a mixture of experiences for me. At some point I was happy, at other times during the day I was not so happy and for a major part of the day I was lost in deep thoughts. I know you would expect me to be totally happy and in a celebratory mood throughout the day but that’s me for you; even I, don’t totally understand myself.

 

Feelings of Nostalgia - My mama's armoury

I grew up in a Christian home and my parents were staunch believers in the ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’ verse of the bible. In fact, no day goes by without that verse being quoted by my mum or dad, but mostly my dad. My mum was usually the enforcer of the verse. It was some sort of an arrangement; my dad would quote the verse in faith all day but like stubborn demons, we wouldn’t bulge because we knew that he was bluffing, but my mama was no bluffer, she was the activator of my dad’s faith in that verse. So each time my dad spoke the word, we would quickly turn to see if the ‘holy spirit’ (mama) was around to activate it.

My first 'corporate' interview

I attended my first post graduate interview yesterday and it was ...phew! I purposely incorporated the word 'corporate' in the title because it was not actually my first interview. I've had other interviews for teaching, sales boy, 'Danfo' driving etc but this was the first major sensible one with prospects of a good pay. As usual, I would not pass on a good opportunity to learn something new cos for me, each encounter and event is an opportunity to learn and become better. Now I don't want to be selfish in this case cos I know most of us are job hunting. So i'll reveal my experience and the lessons learnt.

The interview was for a bank job (Name withheld for security reasons) and it was conducted at their headquarters in Victoria Island, lagos. Now if you are going for an interview in a corporate

The 'What Next?' Question.....

Thank God my NYSC year is over. A lot of persons were not aware that I was serving and of the lot that knew, only a few are aware that I am through. For me, NYSC was no big deal and there was no need publicising. Unlike some persons, I hardly uploaded NYSC photos (I think I uploaded only three camp pictures) on facebook and did not even bother filling my album with hardcopies - just to tell you how low it ranked in my scale of importance. This reminds me of a  guy in camp that took pictures over every little action - includin reflex actions. He took pictures while he was sleeping, marching, eating, bathing, sneezing etc until he couldn't pay anymore and began to hide. His face was on every photographers stand. Nobody pitied him, not even the photographers.

Back to the issue at hand. It is quite surprising (to me) to see that the question on every one's lips is what next after NYSC. I read people's status and tweets and

What drives you...?

Different people are driven or motivated by different things. Most people are self-driven or sellf-motivated (I don't know how that works but I envy them). Others are driven (according to my books) by goals, a challenge, success, accomplishments, etc. For me, I discovered recently that all my life, I have been driven by fear. Yes, fear...

Most of my successes have been motivated by one fear or the other - Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of dissappointing my loved ones, ...fear of responsibility. I have actually succeeded in accomplishing most tasks by being afraid of one thing or the other and I'm beginning to wonder these days if fear is such a bad thing afterall... What drives you? 

I no wan do again...

Since my childhood days, I've always longed to become a man, though my reasons where mostly childish and selfish: I had this erroneous misconception that as a man, i could whatever i wanted and get away with it! Who would blame me then, i noticed that my parents were never whipped even when they were in the wrong. I always envied them for that! Imagine also that unlike we kids, my dad was always served on breakable plates with at least three pieces of meat while

You can't protect yourself totally...

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Something happened some days back that is causing me to reflect big time; basically on how we feel that we have control over certain situations that are certainly beyond our comprehension, not to talk of control.

It is true that we are responsible for the twists and turns our lives take. This is basically cos we are responsible for planning our lives and ensuring that things go as planned.Most times however, there are many unenvisaged uncontrollable factors that may or may not work to bring our plans to fruition. We, therefore can only do our best and leave the rest to God, fate or luck as the case may be.

I entered a cab that day on my way back from a date (with the pepper and meat seller) and discovered that

INTERACTIVE SESSION...

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I attended service in another church today because that pastor (prophet) from Ile-ife was invited again for another program. Well, if you read this post, you would understand why I fear him and any other prophet from Ile-ife. So I entered this church (another parish of the same church) and met an interactive session. The session was about marriage and health issues and the resource persons were highly experienced people (they were actually a couple) as far as marriage and health issues are concerned. They have been married for forty-something years now (hmmm...) and the woman is a retired doctor. Now, like most of the interactive sessions conducted these days, there was nothing new to learn and

I NO FIT MARRY POOR MAN O...

Girl 1: My kind of Guy must be TDH, No more, No less!

Girl 2: Hmmm... 'na today I know say you dull, wetin you wan take TDH do?' Mine must be rich, yes, very rich! You can then add the TDH. In short, he must be RTDH!

Girl 1: Well..., not that I want to marry a poor guy o. He should have some money 'sha', at least to keep me comfortable but he must be 'tall, dark and handsome'. I cant afford to have children with big heads and

WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND

In the town of Tarnopol, lived a man by the name of Rob Feivel. One day, as he sat in his house, deeply absorbed in his books, he heard a loud noise outside. When he went to the window,

ECHOES OF POVERTY

Life has taught me nothing
But poverty has taught me something
That to live in great lack
Is to lack a great life

Toiling heavily day and night
I've tried hard to make things just and right
But it constantly seems to be raised
Each time I try to hit that mark

Each day I forge through with great pains
Hoping to make great gains
But losses I've made the same way
Just like every other day

Each day I return to meet anger

I'M UNDER INTENSE PRESSURE...

I made no resolutions this year. Basically cos I've not been able to keep any resolution I've made since I was born. The reasons for this, I dont know. Maybe laziness on my part or insincerity or... I just cant fathom. I, thus, sincerely, resolved not to be making anymore resolutions! But I did make a prayer...

I prayed that God grant me the grace to contribute positively to people's lives this year. First, my immediate family members and then, others around me. This prayer was wrought out of my passion for suffering people, whether less privileged or not. I hate to see people suffer and so each day I pray for the grace to make people smile by contributing to their needs in whatever capacity. After prayin this prayer for so long, I decided, on the 31st of dec last year to make it my 'praysolution' for the year 2013 (since i had developed a talent for failing to keep resolutions).

The problem now is that there so many people within and outside my circle with so many needs includin me! Of course I can sacrifice the things I need to put smiles on people's faces but the more I've done that, the more the faces are multiplying. It is even now becoming increasingly difficult to maintain the smile on my own face.

What am I saying? Summary - I want to help people and make them happy. Apart from it being my praysolution for the year 2013, it also is who I feel I am. But I also have needs and the more I am looking into people's problems, the more it is becoming difficult to solve mine. And I know for sure that I cannot put smiles on other people's faces when I am frowning. I am at a dilenma here...

ADVISE TO INTENDING COUPLES...

I am usually not an outgoing person and so each time i take my time to attend any outing whatsoever, my expectations are unusually high. Thus my rantings here might just be usual or normal to an outgoing person. I attended a wedding yesterday and it was by far the most ... (apologies to the couples) embarrassing wedding (I have not attended much anyway) I have ever attended since my parents 'conceived' me. My experience would surprise you.

The invitation came from the bride who is a fellow corper in my PPA. We (other corpers) decided to

FEELINGS OF NOSTALGIA - Holiday is coming...

This was the most inspiring song I ever learnt in my school days as a kid. If you schooled in Nigeria, then you should know this song. It was always sung at the end of the term ushering in the holidays. May be I should sing the song in case you've forgotten.

Holiday is coming(2ce)

No more teacher's cane

No more morning bells...

Teaching in a school as part of my NYSC service provided me with an opportunity to hear the song again and I felt so nostalgic... You should have seen us then when we sang this song, we did it with so much enthusiasm, vibrancy and joy. Who didn't want to be free from the teachers cane? It was the most dreadful instrument of correction in those days; six or twelve strokes and you are in another realm - a realm of pain. I feared those bodily inflictions caused by the cane but I was somehow spared from it, for I had no flesh covering my bones where harm or pain could be inflicted on. I saw this as a liability but my friends thought it was an asset. Well, whether asset or liability, I was painfully thin, ...so thin that I could be compared with a toothpick.

DON'T GO TO A BEER PARLOUR WHEN YOU'RE FRUSTRATED!

Today's sunday service was something else. I have never seen people so happy... I pride myself as someone that is not easily moved by whatever tactic - words or action. I can even argue with my pastor on any issue if need be. But today, I was overwhelmed by the testimonies of people that I was nearly (nearly...) moved to tears. I didn't cry (as a hard guy), but my eyes where wet. I realised that God has done so much for people that i was moved to praise him; not for myself, but for them. I was happy because they were happy - it is not everyday that you see happy people in Nigeria!

It is true that apart from football, the only thing that can make nigerians forget about their problems is the presence of God or (if God is not present), the place of worship. People danced as if they had no problems. To them, what God had done already was enough to praise him. I was really moved. If you really know me, you will understand the implications of me getting moved.

I discovered as the service moved on that the best place to be inspired is the house of God. A lot of people came with prayer points, but the atmosphere was so praise charged that they forgot about their problems. If you want to relieve yourself of some stress, don't go to a beer parlour, walk into a church... (not anyhow church o)

I also discovered (I know you'll argue) that it is more inspiring to praise God in yoruba than in any other language. I know Nigerians are also sentimental and emotional when it comes to tribal issues, but i'm speaking scientifically. I have attended an Igbo dominated church (when I was in Lagos), and also a niger delta church (benin/delta) while i was in benin. The praise worship in those places were awesome but does not compare to what i feel every sunday in ibadan here - talk about that talking drum and the words of adoration in yoruba language... Before you argue, just know for the records that I'm not yoruba (dont even really like the culture), but the truth must be told...

MY ENCOUNTER WITH A GAY...

2012 is gone (for real) and 2013 is here. A lot of events happened in my life last year, but I dont want to bore you with a chronological review. However, there's one event that keeps turning my tummy and I thought I should share it with you guys.

I never really thought that this gay thing was real (as in, real... ) until I had an encounter. I knew that it existed though but never believed it could exist in such close proximity to my social environment (I can be naive sometimes). You know that there are things that are only realistic on tv screens and the pages of magazines eg angelic looking models and guys with white teeth that sparkle on close-up adverts!

I was trying to get a bike home from work one sunny afternoon when (I met a little lizard... Haha..) I had this encounter. A guy was driving across the bus stop where I was standing but continued to stare at me as he drove past (hmmm). After driving sluggishly and staring irresistably for a while, he stopped and beckoned on me to come. I was so curious that I didn't waste time before appearing at his presence. He asked for my facebook id (he knew i would not give out my phone number) and I quickly obliged him, hoping so see where it was leading to. We talked a little and parted ways.

When I got home, I found his friend request. I quickly accepted and we started chatting. He said he wanted me to come visit him and when I asked why, he claimed to love me (o... I began to blush - nonsense). I laughed hard but decided to play along. He promised me heaven and earth and pleaded that if i said no, he would die (imagine...). Now I began to see the awesome powers women enjoy when a guy attempts to woo them - bottom power. But I was not about to give my bottom to this guy. I wonder why a full blooded man would claim not to be moved by the soft touch of a woman's 'mende mende'.

Anyway, I played along like a girl would, giving him the impression that I was also gay. I was enjoying the adventure until I began to feel irritated so I abruptly told him off. I could not help but imagine that my asshole would be the constant object of his fantasy. It was so gross... Again I wonder how some girls get trilled by stupid promises from guys cos this guy even promised to get me visa to any part of the world. But that complicated issues as I began to feel like a cheap material girl (sorry... guy).

Well, he's off my back for now but I feel sorry for him cos he sounded sincere, he was trully in love... (idiot!). My question is - how do people get to become gay? Is it natural for a man to 'luv' another man? Or is it a habit that is learnt? If you are gay, you can help me out. Lastly, I never knew that flattery works wonders on women cos when he said I was so handsome, I nearly melted like butter (error... error... error...). Well, I think there's an element of truth in it. 'Abi' I no fine?